Slipping up 2013-01-19

Depression is an odd thing. You start to obsess and think you deserve how bad you feel, which makes you feel bad, feeding the cycle all the way down. You start to feel it like it's normal; eventually you take comfort in your own misery.

It starts to take inhuman amounts of energy to do anything. I used to not be able to get out of bed in the morning if I didn't spend a good while calling myself a piece of shit for not moving. Other normal habits start to fall by the wayside as well, laundry, cleaning, grooming. Waking up in the morning surrounded by scattered clothes, getting food from from a kitchen with dirty dishes overflowing out of the sink only makes you feel worse. It starts a spiral that perpetuates itself until... until something breaks.

It's something you need to constantly be on the lookout for, otherwise it'll creep up on you and send you into its dark feedback loop. I've been trying to ensure that I don't slack on normal civilized-human things. I've been making sure to convert my bed back into a couch when I wake up. I've been making sure my kitchen is always clean.

I've already messed up a bit by leaving clothes somewhat scattered around (I don't really have a hamper at the moment D:), and by not always eating meals at the table. I've also been unable to get out of bed until later and later each day. I've been worrying that I'm starting to slip up.

Last night I found myself drifting off to sleep and I slipped; I thought "tonight would be a good night to die", for a brief moment I felt comforted by it.

Fuck. (I actually said that out loud.)

So what does this mean?; I'm not entirely sure.

Being open has helped me in so many ways; I've been struggling to maintain that. I can't really be open at work (it is work, afterall). Besides, it has actually become harder to talk and be open about things; it's part of the reason I've not been streaming much (the other being my spotty connection in my apartment). I've been having trouble keeping up with what people say, and finding the right kinds of things inside myself to say back. Sometimes the words just aren't there anymore.

Ick, I'm sure I'll figure something out.

with love,


Little Adventures 2013-01-13

I wandered a lot as a kid. I didn't really do well directly talking with others, and I was always had an overactive imagination (probably why I still can't sleep without a light on). I like to think that this extra time alone, being imaginative and introspective, has helped me become a much better person than I otherwise would have been.

I spent most of my childhood in a house with a field behind it. The story I heard was that in the late 1970's the local school district bought this plot, but the deal stated that the farmer could lease it for $1/yr until the district built on the property. To this day the district has built nothing there.

In the center of this sweet-deal of a field is a single tree with a few large rocks nearby. This tree is quite old, and it bears the signs of significant use over the decades. It has rotting handholds held in by rusty nails, ancient proclamations of love being slowly absorbed back into the tree, and the occasional broken bottle interspersed with its roots.

The field itself held its own wonders, the farmer would rotate crops, but mostly grew corn, once corn reached a certain height it obscured your vision, leading to a feeling of truly being lost. After the growing season the field would revert to a giant tract of mud so deep it would suck the shoes off your feet. In the winter, pools of water would freeze on the surface, creating 4-6 inch thick sheets of ice that could easily be 20 or more feet long in any direction.

To my prepubsecent mind, this solitary island in a sea of ever-changing alien landscapes was beautiful. My very own Shangri-La, protected by all sorts of insurmountable obstacles that would test the bravest and cleverest.

I would load up my backpack with "adventuring supplies". These mostly consisted of things meant to be magic wands, spell books, bows, tricorders, phasers, stuffed animals with magical powers, giant robot remote control joysticks, and probably some Honey Nut Cheerios. I would use these supplies to counter whatever monsters, romulans, demonic portals, riddle masters, dragons, or evil robots that were in the way.

I've put together a crude map of the area, so you can visualize a bit what I'm talking about:

Map of the ancient world

I spent of a lot of time on one of the large rocks near the tree, just sitting there, thinking about whatever was on my mind, occasionally eating some dry Honey Nut Cheerios; protected from the rest of the world by monsters, mud, and maize.

In case you were wondering, yes, a piece of the triforce is hidden there.

with love,


Parking Theory 2013-01-09

It's funny to observe people in their cars. I saw someone wait a good minute and a half for someone to pull out of a spot when a spot was available just two spots further away. You might think that those few steps they saved are totally worth it; but this was a grocery store, which leads into something everyone seems to ignore.

Cart returns significantly affect the distance you need to walk.

Parking Lot

Above we have a rough drawing of a parking lot, the cart returns are indicated by the grey horse-shoe shaped object, the numbers indicate the number of meters from the grocery's door. Each letter indicates a shopper who has parked their car in that respective spot

Each shopper must from their car to the grocery store, do their shopping, then walk from the door to their car, load it up with groceries, return the cart at the nearest cart return, and finally return to their car to leave.

The distance walked horizontally will be the same for each trip, so we can exclude those.

Shopper A: 11 meters from car to door, 12 meters from car to cart return.

So the math for A ends up being 11 meters to the door, 11 meters to load the car, 12 meters to return the cart, and 12 meters to return to the car.

11 + 11 + 12 + 12 = 46

Shopper B: 15 meters from car to door, 8 meters from car to cart return.

15 + 15 + 8 + 8 = 46 

Shopper C: 19 meters from car to door, 4 meters from car to cart return.

19 + 19 + 4 + 4 = 46

I'm sure you've caught the trend here, A, B, and C all have to walk 46 meters to complete their shopping trip.

The math changes quite a bit when the cart returns are placed more unevenly, and when there are spots further away from the door than cart returns in this example, but as a general rule it's usually best to find a spot that is reasonably close to the door, but also very close to a cart return.

Enjoy your stress-free parking,


Abandoned Projects 2013-01-07

On multiple occasions I've started working on animated projects like my sad story video. I usually get through the point of having a lot of basic art and a rough script, but then I start to feel that it isn't good enough.

sleepy dew is so adorable

My most recent attempt (pictured above) was done around the time I was making BAGL art. I was in a pretty bad place, I had stopped going to my psychiatrist because I couldn't afford it anymore. I think I did a good job of reflecting how scared and vulnerable I was feeling in the art. The script I wrote was mostly my trying to keep talking about my problems. It's horribly formatted, but if you are curious to read it, you can do so here.

I was actually quite happy with the script and the art. I eventually became convinced the content was too dark for me to proceed with at the time.

This is probably too many characters

I started working on the one pictured above immediately after finishing the sad story video. I wanted to make something more upbeat and shoot for weekly or bi-weekly releases. The art style is intended to be reminiscent of the IBM PCjr's 160x200 mode that was used in a lot of early Sierra adventure games.

The show was going to be about eight students enrolled in foreign language class; only no one told them that taking a foreign language is actually just cover for being demon-hunters in training.

I gave up on this one because I was never happy with the scripts I was writing. I think a lot of it had to do with how many characters I created.

Hope you found this interesting,


Weird Dreams 2013-01-06

I was reading over some old stuff I'd written, and came across some ancient dream descriptions. I thought I'd share them. They're written in an extremely informal style, but I've corrected some spelling mistakes and fixed formatting. The first three I still remember quite vividly; The others, not so much.

Oct 14th, 2008

A few weeks ago I had a very strange dream;

I was lying down, face up, in a large room with a foam mat covering most of the floor. Along the north wall was a couch, and in the north east corner of the room there was a doorway.

Inside the room with me were a pair of pale dark-haired women standing whispering into each others' ear while looking at me. After a few seconds they both came over to me and started to kiss me in turns. However the kisses were not sexual, it was more like they were somehow evaluating me.

After a while the pair left the room and two more, pale, dark-haired, women entered the room, and started to kiss me, eventually they would ask me odd questions like "How many people know about you?" and "Do you know who you are?".

After they left, three more women entered the room and one of them started to kiss me and immediately slammed my head against the ground. When I looked at her again she appeared to be a demon and I felt like it was trying to erase my memory.

I woke up a few seconds later; However it wasn't like waking up from a nightmare, I wasn't scared, just really confused as to what had happened. For whatever reason I also seem to remember this dream far more vividly than any dream I've had in the past few years.

Dec 13th, 2003

My dream starts out as the video game double dragon, standard double dragon stuff goes on, beating up Abobo and whatnot. After the double dragon part that has rocks, I enter a cave(which wasnt in double dragon). Inside the cave I pick up some gasoline and matches.

When I come out of the cave I'm in an open area surrounded by high rock walls, in a far corner there is a small pond with several tunnels in the wall, but each tunnel is occupied by a giant fish thing that looks somewhat like this:

[I don't have this image anymore]

They are a bit longer though, more eel-like, and they can also talk. Anyway, they dont want to move and I know if I get near them they'd eat me or something, so I have to think of A Plan(tm), my can of gas and matches are gone for a mysterious reason, and I dont have anything to combat them with.

I wander around to look for stuff and find a gun, and fire it into one of them and miss with each of my six shots. I find out that they can turn into people too, well, they can only turn into stuck up, proper, well dressed victorian-types.

I go back to looking for stuff to get around them with, and I find my gasoline and matches and coat three of them with gasoline and light them on fire and they scurry around and drop these little mutlicolored sugary-looking crystals that i use to scare the other two away, clearing the way for me to enter the tunnels in the wall. I wake up at this point.

Nov 21st, 2003

I had a few weird dreams last night.

I had to use the restroom, and I was in this big building (I think it was a school). I walked into what I think would be some kind of cafeteria and there was a restroom in plain view, but the ramp up into it was a really steep curve, too much for me to climb. There was a girl there and I asked her what the heck they were thinking. She suggested climbing up the back of the ramp. I went around to the back and there were giant flatworms of some kind writhing in water filled pans on some kind of food cart. There was no way I was going to climb anything near something like that. I asked her where another restroom was and she pointed to a corner across the room.

I went there and there was the this girl there who wouldnt let me pass until I said the word "kiss". After I said it, she looked kinda like she was looking me over, seeing if I had said it right, and then let me pass. In the bathroom there was a big line and a lot of chattering people so I had to wait, and ended up talking to the people in there. After a while, for some reason I cant remember, I had to leave. upon leaving, three girls decided they liked me enough (including the one who wouldnt let me pass earlier), to follow me. For some reason, they got in my car with me and started driving it. They said they were lesbians and one of them kissed me. We drove around the parking lot, then I got out and went home.

My last dream of the night involved me sliding down a tube into a room, building a gun out of lego blocks, then busting two people out of the building. I woke up somewhere in the middle, but it was pretty cool, the girl has psychic powers but she tried to use them on me and since I'm special I was able to take her over. The old man didnt really do much.

Nov 4th, 2003

I had a dream last night where I spent an hour or so trying to decide on what kind of candy corn to get.

There were giant candy corns, individually wrapped packages, and big bags of them. I ended up getting one giant one, and one of the big bags. freaky.

Aug 7th, 2003

I had a dream where I almost drowned playing panzer dragoon.

Jul 28th, 2003

I had a dream where jackie chan was chasing me on stilts O_o

Gosh, most of these were so horribly written. I hope you were able to tolerate them.

sweet dreams,